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nonsense and bollocks, bollocks and nonsense.

Posted on 2010.09.23 at 08:59
hearing: roxy music:sea breezes
okay, so i haven't used this damn thing in about six months,minimum, as i've mostly migrated over to tumblr these days, but i've decided to nick the 30 day meme project from laura in an effort to focus myself, as lately i've been prone to a lot of identity crisis hysteria and tears (not hugely helped by watching zelig last night). appropriately enough, the first point on the damn thing is talking extensively about the self, so we'll see how that pans out, shall we.

Meme Project:
Day 01 – Introduce yourself

ok, hello. my name is kirsty louise mitchell, i am 22 years old (i will be 23 on the 5th of march 2011) and at the moment my professional status can be described as just barmaid. i am trying to finish off a masters in critical theory (which i mostly approach from a literary angle, but am also a dab hand at applying in other areas, all the time) that i studied at sussex university, but that isn't going very well. i am currently living in northampton, a town in the midlands in the uk, with my mother and brother, in a small village called hardingstone. i work in the next village down, wootton, in the local pub, the yeoman of england, where i am both barmaid and waitress, and, i'll go out on a limb and say, not too shabby at either. working in the licensed trade was never what i really envisaged myself doing, but if this whole academia thing doesn't work out, i won't actually object too strongly to doing it for the rest of my life. it suits my sleeping pattern (well, the evening shifts do), i kind of like the physical aspects of the job as well as the mental aspects, i feel like i get to meet people from all walks of life, and even on the busiest, most stressful shifts, there are still opportunities to joke and laugh and make others laugh.

i'm in a relationship with one john palethorpe, 25, a primary school teacher. we're both from northampton but we actually met in portsmouth, where we both studied at undergraduate. once, during my first year, when his student radio show was directly before my (arguably better) show with phil, and secondly, at a friend emily's birthday party when i was in my third year. finally, damningly, in my masters year (i lived in portsmouth and commuted to brighton, bad move) he came down for my housemate dan's birthday at halloween. stuff happened that weekend (you know, sex stuff.) and when i came back home for christmas we ended up in a relationship together, met each other's families, did all that serious grown up stuff way too fast, and here we are none-too-far from the year mark.

okay, s that is who i am in relation to external circumstances. i'm always talking about myself so i'm not sure why i can't seem to focus on doing it properly today. i wonder if it's the same as job interview anxiety; having to 'sell oneself'. but this isn't as bad cos it'll be tl;dr to all but the very nosy, so interesting a readership isn't my responsibility.

ok; so, we'll start with how i look. i'm tallish, almost as tall as most of the boys i know, i don't know how tall that actually makes me. i am pale (even in summer i will only go light gold, but by god do i try), and naturally i have brunette hair but i have taken to dying it red. my hair is probably the first thing people notice about me. i made a decision to stop straightening it when i realized i was wasting time i wanted to spend on other things, and i don't often get haircuts, so it is huge, curly, and down to about my waist. i had an undercut, but i had to grow it out for my job (i don't really care, i had it for like, two years-ish, and am mildly annoyed that it's the 'new thing' in shitty magazines like grazia these days) hence the decision to go red. i'm carrying a little more weight than i'd like at the moment, more for physical reasons (you know when you can tell you're taking up more space than you used to and it feels weird?) but i seem to be losing again, and when i fit back into size twelve clothing i will know i'm back where i'm meant to be, body wise. i have a fairly love-hate relationship with my body. it's pretty average. not great, not terrible. i feel the same about my face; there's nothing remarkable about it, there's nothing too bad about it either. i do have disturbingly small features when looked at closely though; especially my ears. i've got a scar under my jawline on the right hand side from having a huge birthmark removed at about age 2/3.

the second thing people probably notice about me physically is my dress sense. i'm not so naive as to think it doesn't stand out, but it's not unusual to me, as ever since early days of choosing my own clothes i've been without the fear of ridicule that governs the way most people choose to wear their clothes. a lot of people misinterpret this as a sort of rockstar complex, but it's really something far more prosaic, in that i got bullied so severely at my first secondary school that the minute i figured out who i wanted to be, i clung fiercely to it, realizing people were going to dislike me for their own reasons regardless, and frankly, the psychological and physical damage had already been done, i don't think there's much worse that could happen to me as a result of how i look.

which brings us neatly onto school. i went to three different secondary schools which is a bit of an achievement in the 2-tier system. roade comprehensive,my first school, was awful, and something i still dwell on occasionally today. i didn't have any friends whatsoever, i got the shit beaten out of me on a daily basis, i used to get seriously afraid of literally any time where there were no teachers about, like break or lunch, or the bus journeys to and from school. it even happened in lessons. i'd hate going home and expecting my mum to blame me for the fact my shirt and back were soaked in fountain pen ink, or i'd had chewing gum in my hair again, or i was bruised, or bleeding. obviously she didn't, but it was hard for her trying to get the school to see the magnitude of the problem. it got too hard for all of us as a family in the end, so mum and dad sent me to the seven grand a year private school (they were still together at this point, my mum has nowhere near that kind of money these days). i'd love to say that helped, but by the time i ended up at northampton high school i was a feral little animal. i didn't fear my peers, especially not when i realized just how well behaved everyone was at that damn place, because the worst things had already happened to me. i didn't respect my teachers, because teachers just sat and watched bad things happen, didn't they? i wouldn't say it was my most mature phase, but i didn't give a fuck at the time. i ended up seeing a child psychologist at the time, and though she was one of the best mental health workers i've ever encountered, i'm convinced i was only there because i was a pain in the arse, since i'd had really terrible problems way before that, but not made any fuss about them. anyway after telling my art teacher to fuck off for being as bad as hitler, and calling my french teacher a cunt i ended up leaving the high school and attending northampton school for girls.

i really liked northampton school for girls. i had brilliant teachers, which is good cos by this point my mental health had got me to the point where i barely attended school and tried pretty hard not to interact with my peers when i got there. i did my gcse mocks at home, i was that bad, but at least the school provided the support for me to do so. this mentality lasted through sixth form, and i'm convinced if i was worse academically i would have ended up being asked to leave, but i was supported and encouraged the whole way through, despite on and off hospitalization.

so, uhm, onto uni, maybe? this is probably the first mention you'll start hearing of friends, which, when you think about it, is pretty fucking bleak. i studied english literature at portsmouth university. i wasn't initially planning to go, but i got the results and thought 'eh, fuck it, i can stay here and work in primark and be miserable, or be miserable elsewhere, uni it is!'. i had a boyfriend here, pete, who i stayed with until halfway through the second year, he was probably my last serious ex before john. i hated university at first, but i got more absorbed in my course, made some fantastic friends in halls (dan and krista; my closest friends throughout university and potentially for life), developed what some people regard as a dangerous social life during my second and third years (my third year i hardly ever spent an evening in if i could help it), started working in the licenced trade for my third year and my masters year, slept around like a madwoman, made lots of friends, and pissed off a fair few people along the way. as you do. i graduated one percent off a first, which still smarts a bit.

as you can see, there's really been no fixity of identity throughout my life. the only consistent things have really been my mental health problems, which are still with me today. i haven't even begun to touch on the ups and downs that have happened, like my parents divorce, and my stepdad's suicide, and stuff, because i've been trying to focus on things which actually happened to me specifically here, but um, yeah.

i feel, in a weird way, as if i'm the closest i'll ever be to a concrete person right now, even though i still don't feel complete and solid, like people should. i love literature, gender studies, all kinds of music (but especially painfully trendy electro, and old new wave and talking heads and stuff). i smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish. i love cooking, i knit and crochet, i garden. i have done stand up comedy and would do it again. i like woody allen films, i have a severe caffeine problem, am quick to anger if something riles my social conscience. i voted liberal democrat in the last election and wouldn't change that even knowing what happened. i am a big fan of doing things for the lulz, and have a pretty surreal sense of humour, but i cannot stand people who are offensive for the sake of it and think they're totally fucking edgy as a result.

i could buy and talk about clothes all day but i realize how boring i would be if i did. i don't like cookie cutter girls but could drop a hundred quid in topshop in three seconds flat myself. i have recently stopped eating meat for a month and will probably continue to be an ovo-lacto vegetarian (i may end up taking the plunge to vegan, but not under my mother's roof out of a desire to not give her a heart attack), mainly because i don't miss meat and the environmental implications of livestock farming are starting to freak me out (i've never thought the cruelty argument was a big sway, having studied too much philosophy i realize people can rationalize away cruelty through any number of ways very effectively, which is sad, but true). i am really missing being able to surround myself with people in northampton, as there are definitely very performative aspects of my personality. i very much dislike people who make the same point over and over in an argument without responding to counterarguments (that's bad manners and displays ignorance), or people who say thing like 'it's just facebook' when they've said something offensive, since facebook is the largest public sphere available, or one of them. i don't like television, as i feel like it's built on offensive cultural leylines of assumption and sensationalism. i don't watch documentaries because all they do is make people feel smart without teaching them anything.

i don't like going to the cinema all that much because you have no control over your own viewing experience and i feel they reflect euroamerican culture's obsession with making things bigger, louder, and brighter, content be damned. i like woody allen films a lot because of his ability to be intertextual without using text, i hate people who refuse to watch subtitled cinema (i feel that they're letting their white european privilege show in spades by saying 'if i have to make an effort, i'm not going to pay attention to another country's cultural output'). i find nothing more frustrating than people who say 'that's too intelligent for me' because let's face it, if you dismiss everything that isn't in basic language and about simple things for your whole life, then yeah, it's going to be.

i don't like macho leftist whiteboys who talk about the working man's struggle. they've usually never worked, and don't like you calling into assumption their use of the word man very much. i try very hard to have a bigger picture view, socially and culturally. taking into account how something affects everything is tiring, but in my opinion, necessary. i read the guardian, make fun of myself and it regularly, but honestly believe it's the only progressive newspaper in this country (although i wish they'd fire hadley freeman, do i give a fuck what she thought about the vip area of glasto or, well, anything else? no.) i try obsessively to always have neat nails, and i always wear ten coats minimum of mascara. people's mum's always like me. i think i've wittered on enough. back tomorrow for pt. 2.

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